i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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