im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
