I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
