I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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