I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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