I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you traded sex for a burrito?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
