so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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