Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
