I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
