His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize