CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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