How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
