he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
