Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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