im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
