And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
