i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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