My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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