Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
