the condom got lost in my hair
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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