Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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