I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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