he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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