oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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