Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
