I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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