I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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