Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
