I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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