We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize