Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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