I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
