I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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