Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
