There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
