god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
