conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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