that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
