she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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