I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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