I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
