just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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