Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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