You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize