I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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