Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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