I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
