I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize