Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
