Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
