I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
