i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
