im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
