put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
