party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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