There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
