How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
