why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's always time for handjobs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
