she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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