someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
