i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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