Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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