Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
