i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
