i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
