Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
