I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
