Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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