Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
