You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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